Do you really want to let go of your addictions?
At the end of my Muay Thai training this morning I sat and realised, wow, this disciplined, wake up early to exercise aspect of me is back! I forgot her for a while. The part of me that loves to be really strong and move for hours each day.
Some chapters in my life I would MENTALLY TRY SO HARD to exercise more, but really I loved my lifestyle too much, I wasn't willing to embody that person! I would set myself up for failure by saying I want to do something I didn't really want to, and be left feeling unsatisfied and unworthy when the thing inevitably didn't get done.
After my session, I wrote this, it's a bit of a long read but I go into addictions, habits and change...
IF YOU WANT TO KICK A HABIT YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO LET GO OF WHO YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE
In my experience, the only time I’ve really truly made change in my life is when I’ve let go of or replaced an aspect of my identity AND made a physical shift in my day to day environment that is a visual reminder that I’m a different person to the one I was yesterday.
Our addictions can look like smoking, always running late, being lazy, sleeping with a lot of different people, exercising, (side note: I think all of these can also come in the form of consciously choosing) and they are so tied into the person we think we are, the person we want to be in the world, the person we are attached to being. We can get so fucking caught up in this representation and all of the routines and behaviours that come with it.
> It’s likely gonna be so much harder for you to stop drinking if your daily life still looks exactly the same. You’re running in the same character mode, whilst trying to make a huge shift in your life. You and your friends will equally be looking at you in the same way, as the same person you were, when you drunk.
If you want to stop drinking, you need to let go of everything you associate to being a ‘drinker’ and the part of you that wants to hold it as part of your identity.
OR accept that you’re not ready to give up that thing just yet and you still love it and cut yourself a whole lot of hassle of trying to give something up when really you don't want to!
..Really you enjoy working paycheck to paycheck because it’s in many ways easier than running a business or facing the shit inside of you that you have to commit to over and over again when you decide to work for yourself, as yourself. It keeps you connected to your friends who are on similar pay, it gives you something to moan about, it feels familiar.
..Really you love being the carefree, wild spirit, “time is an illusion” being, so you will end up being late over and over again even when you try not to be because you are so attached to those traits as a part of who you are!
..Really you love being lazy and unhealthy because it’s easy and it’s pleasurable and if you’re gonna do it, just do it! Just mope around and enjoy it! Cos one day you may be a super productive person that watches everything you put into your mouth and you will reminisce on those days how simple it all was!
And of course you don’t have to choose! You can put a different hat on every hour of the day. You can put them all on at once if you want! And there’s no need to show your 'best' self or your whole including entire life story self.
..No one needs to know that once you were the wildest party fairy when you say ’no’ to a beer.
..No one needs to know how funny and loving you usually are when you're blunt and uninterested to someone you just met.
..No one needs to know that you were vegan for 5 years when you eat a beefburger in front of them.
..No one needs to hear how you were once a body builder to make up for these days when you feel overweight.
No one needs to know and most of the time they don’t care!
> Let go of your identity, let go of the need to explain yourself, let it all go and see what comes back!
I spent so much of my life with conflicting thoughts giving myself a hard time after indulging in addictions, when really I could’ve just enjoyed the fuck out of them! Enjoy the drugs!!!! And by drugs I mean the class A’s but also the alcohol, the cigarettes, the chocolate, the sex, weekend benders, enjoy the escapes! If you’re gonna keep doing the things, at least give yourself the mental rest and just appreciate them before, during and after. Accept that this is where you’re at right now.
I never made any change by force. I would try to be more organised, try to be more disciplined, but really I still wanted to be my “in the flow, nothing matters” kind of vibe. I knew it wasn’t me (as none of it is), but I liked it. I wasn't ready for the identity shift then.
...Who am I? Who am I if I show up at a party and say I’m not drinking? Who am I if I follow through on the things I say I'm gonna do? Who am I if I put myself before you? Am I prepared to become this new person yet?
If you really, really want to change something habitual, I recommend making a physical change in your daily life. This can look like rearranging/redecorating your room or moving to another country, having a haircut, changing your morning routine or buying a new (second hand ;) ) outfit. It signifies change! Your body registers that there is something different about this day and with this change comes [insert new way of being here].
_ Addictions are such a huge part of my human experience, and all of them have only gone away when something inside has changed first. When I am truly ready to let go of the identity attached to this old habit, the addictive behaviour just stops! Most of it is just habitual behaviour. So just accept the way you are! Stop the resistance, stop the trying. Just fucking be with yourself and your addictions, enjoy them while they’re here, and when they’re ready, they’ll move on.