HOW SELF PLEASURE HAS HELPED ME CHANGE MY ADDICTIVE TENDENCIES

When we’re addicted to something, it boils down to a fear of feeling. A fear that what we have to face if we cannot get our drugs/sex/money, will be far too overwhelming and intensely painful. This is completely understandable, which is why I think outlets like alcohol are a saviour to so many of us until we feel ready to face some of our inner demons. As destructive as addictions can be, they really are medicine from the fear of our own thoughts and feelings.

When I have a craving, for a cigarette let’s say, something changes in my body, tingling rises in my chest and throat, and my mind associates this with a deep longing to smoke. When I feel these sensations, I’ve mostly always hedonistically followed it by the fulfilment of this desire as sitting with the craving sensation seemed way too uncomfortable for my liking. This then strengthened the pathway between the sensations that my mind labelled ‘craving’ and the subsequent smoking of the cigarette.

So where can self-pleasure come into this? Self-pleasure for me is a practice of being with my body, witnessing the sensations that are alive in me and observing as they change throughout the body.

It’s going beyond labels of good and bad, beyond labels of what things mean (this feeling means I desire this, for example), it’s going beyond trying to change or run away from anything and finding safety within my own body and my confidence to feel into what arises.

Now when I notice a craving, to pick up my phone, to smoke, to get intoxicated, I can either consciously decide to do the thing, or I can decide to be with the sensations labelled cravings and observe them. Where can I feel it in my body, how does it transform when I introduce movement, touch, breath and the sound of my voice into the mix?

The more I can break the connection between the thoughts/feelings and the attainment of this desire, the stronger my willpower feels. I know I am making the choice. I know if I’m running away, it’s only sensations that I’m avoiding.

It is safe to feel. It is safe to express. It is safe to be.

Safety is something that can only be nurtured by you, not by any external circumstances or people. Safety is something that is cultivated within, with loving awareness into the depths of your own bodymind.

And this strong felt sense of safety and ability to face and sit with my sensations, is allowing me observe said cravings with love and maintain (most of the time) a strong awareness over what I decide to do.