We live in a world of liars, and I don't blame them.
If we build cultures where people don’t think they can be accepted in their full selves, they lie to hide the parts they think they have to.
I grew up on lies. Lying to my teachers, the police, employers, security guards, partners, grandparents, landlords…
I recently heard Tyson Fury’s 12-year-old daughter say “Strict parents create sneaky children”.
And I completely agree (you can replace parents in that sentence with any authoritative or important figure in someone’s life). A strict society breeds behaviour that figures out ways to get around it.
So much of what I wanted to do when I was younger wasn’t legally or societally accepted, so I learned very quickly to lie to get away with things. This is one of the two main reasons I’ve identified as to why people lie:
To avoid punishment
for themselves or others, can be physical/mental/emotional
To avoid:
systemic/legal punishments like imprisonment, community service, fines, detention, school suspension/exclusion
physical harm from another (partner, parent, police etc)
being criticised or reprimanded by parent / partner / friend etc
social rejection / bullying / the sensations of embarassment
someone else feeling hurt by the truth
the loss of something we care about; job, relationship
uncomfortable or awkward situations
The second reason, (which I can also recognise in my past behaviour) is:
To obtain power over others
so that you can receive a reward otherwise not available
To receive:
the feelings and benefits of admiration
physical objects or services, for free or discounted
money for your products or services
the love and acceptance of another, as sexual or romantic partners, employers, friends or in a wider sense national or global political control
There must be countless more that I haven’t listed and equal amounts of nuances in each,
But for simplicity's sake, I will move forward with these main two intentions.
The lying I refer to in the first part is about avoiding punishment.
We live in a world where we don’t agree to most of the rules around us, and likely we wouldn’t consent to a lot of them if we did have a choice. Most of us were born into family/religions/communities that impose their rules on us.
It’s much harder to choose to step out of the big daddy government group and I won’t get into the legal stuff as that’s a huge other world that I am not well equipped to speak on, so I will focus on what I see as ground level stuff: day to day stuff between adults.
So family/religion/communities tell us how we need to be, and for the sake of belonging, we often sacrifice our true desires, or we follow them and cover it up.
Lack of transparency can create HUGE riffs in relationships. So much can be kept off the metaphorical table and it takes big, conscious steps if we want to change those communication patterns.
As examples, through my experience working with married/coupled men, they don’t want to lie to their partners, the deceit is generally just a byproduct of them wanting to follow and fulfil their sexual desire, and thinking (probably quite rightly) that their partner wouldn’t understand or accept that they want to sleep or interact with other women.
A lot of these men also lie about/hide their kinks, because they think they will be punished by community/friends/family if they were to be open about it. This may look like shaming, expulsion, or being fired, and our systems are often wired toward avoiding these types of danger.
But in more accepting cultures and ones that communicate consent and boundaries, these same actions of sleeping with someone that is not your partner, or playing out your sexual fetishes, are not wrong, sinful or badly consequential.
There becomes much less dishonesty - because there is no need for it.
When conversations have been had, and each person has been honest, you have a much clearer framework around what can happen, and what each person is okay with.
How many people enter into a relationship and discuss what they will do if/when one of them feels desire for another person? If there is no clarity between the two people, inevitably there will be private fantasies in their heads or actual follow-throughs of ‘cheating’. This isn’t to say everyone should be polyamorous, I’m highlighting that the rigid expectations and lack of conversations are often what lead to the hiding of behaviours and actions.
So is lying in itself “bad”, or is it a byproduct of restrictions placed upon us?
And what about in the case of the second intention: to obtain power over others?
Usually, the person with more power, is much less likely to be punished, (the policeman, the teacher, the multi-millionaire CEO).
So in a way, their accretion of power through lying, also helps them to avoid being punished, and just like the person in a less powerful position that lies to avoid punishment, it allows them to get away with continuing to do what they want.
Another example would be people pursuing younger partners who are easier to manipulate and unlikely to be aware of what is happening. They are choosing relationships that are less likely to result in them being punished.
So whether to avoid punishment or to obtain power over others, the core of it is being able to do what we want.
Doing what we want can be obnoxious, can be addictive, and a case of instant gratification.
But it can also be a wild and liberated energy which I see is largely innate for us as human beings.
It can come from a place of greed, selfishness and egoic desires.
Or it can be soulfully led, by a deep desire to be our unbound, authentic selves.
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Like most things, it is up to us which parts we are letting rule the show.
In a society that is filled with SO many rules, regulations, laws and agreements, it’s understandable why so many of us lie so much - just so that we can express ourselves without unfair repercussions.
The more honest and accepting we can be with ourselves, the more we can find it in others, and receive it reciprocally.
The more open-minded we can be about our own decisions and others, the less dishonesty will accrue due to the strict holds we have around our humans.
If faced with another individual or group not accepting a behaviour of yours and feeling like you “have to lie”,
and if you find yourself punishing others, I ask you…
where are you not accepting of this desire/behaviour/action yourself?
what parts of you are creating this dissonance between what you want and what you think you should want?
where could you be more accepting and curious and less punishing of yourself or someone else?
what difference could an honest, transparent conversation make?
Thank you for reading.
Georgie x